Living with ME
I am coming up on the three year anniversary of being diagnosed with myalgic encephalomyelitis (also known as chronic fatigue syndrome). For the first time in about six months I was able to pick up my guitar and work on a song I wrote over the summer. I am still learning painful lessons about how long it takes to recover when I overexert myself. I am so grateful to have had the opportunity to teach some private lessons and elementary school classes after I was no longer able to teach high school full time. It is a sad but important realization that even a one on one private lesson is too big of an energy exertion for me right now. I’m hoping that now that I am a bit recovered from this most recent crash I can figure out a way to continue to be an educator. It was a huge part of my life and I sincerely miss it.
This song in progress is called “The End”. TRIGGER WARNING: the lyrics in this song deal with the theme of suicidal ideation. It is mainly a juxtaposition between dealing with thoughts of suicide and the coping skills I have developed to help manage those thoughts. The end of the song is about transcending suicidal ideation and moving towards a healthier mental state. If you or someone you know is in crisis there are many support options available 24/7 365. One of which is the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline which you can reach at 1-800-273-8255.
Below are the lyrics to this tune and a demo version I recorded back in the summer when I was feeling better. The next challenge is to figure out how to do a proper home studio recording! Any feedback is always appreciated :)
The End
And I’ve seen the end
Comin’ straight down on me
But I don’t wanna go
It’s not the end of my road
And all these faces in my dreams
Time’s forsaken in me
But inside’s a way
For me to stay
And the red hawk soars
With the greatest of ease
With the wind at its back
It can be anywhere
It please
And I wish it’d end
A hundred thousand times ‘fore this
But I don’t wanna go
Don’t wanna die alone
And all these places in my heart
Roughed n’ tumbled, an’ torn apart
Gotta find a way
‘Cause I wanna stay
And the soft grass grows
Under the the pale oak tree
In this qui - et space
I don’t feel any - thing
But peace
My heart is open
My spirit too
Take it anywhere you want it
‘Cause I won’t be back here soon
No I won’t be back here soon
- Paul Smith Stewart ©2020